Category Archives: Random Ridiculousness

Thanks!

Posted on by B

Over the weekend, I went to a Dodgers game. The Man & I met up with some friends that we haven’t seen since we left Camp Pendleton. Which was a LONG ASS TIME AGO.

Because men don’t plan things well, we were sitting in different sections (which turned out to be okay ’cause they were sitting in the blazing hot sun and I burn like a mother fucker and it was 1200 degrees Saturday in Elysian Park). So they had to go in through a different gate and then meet us so we could show them Dodgers Stadium and yannow: eat.

Meeting place: Tommy Lasorda’s. There’s a bar nearby, and that’s where I go because it’s goddamn hot and also, beer.

Bartender (I’m assuming)*trying to be flirtatious*: Are you sure you’re old enough to order a beer?

Me: Ha! I am well over the legal drinking age.

The very nice bartender pours my beer and because I almost never carry cash, I paid with my card and also handed him my ID because I try to make things easy when I feel like it.

Bartender: Looks at my ID. Then back at me. Then back at my ID. I’m on a horse (I can never resist). Then down at my boobs. THEN BACK AT MY FACE.

Me: *smirks* TOLDJA

Bartender: Whatever you’re doing, keep it up!

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Look at me over here aging gracefully and shit.

The airport is never NOT a pain in my ass

Posted on by B

I love to travel, but I’m not going to lie… the airport is a huge pain.

Because of people. People coming, people going. People dropping off other people. People who are just standing around lost and are always standing DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF YOU, so that you can’t get to where you’re going. I just..PEOPLE.

So this weekend I went to go visit The Boy and his new girlfriend. Quick trip as he’s pretty close by air. It was fun! I even got to lunch with Grace! And Julia! And various other people connected to those two. I love that my friends and family are close-ish. Because I don’t see some of them not NEARLY enough.

Anyways. The trip home was sort of a mess. Our flight was (of course) delayed. But luckily not for HOURS, just 30 minutes or so. So just enough time for us to get comfortable with being late, but not so late that I’m actively raging against Southwest. Sidenote: I built in delay time when I booked with Southwest because I can never NOT be delayed when I fly Southwest. Or at least, not trips that I’ve taken in the last year or so. Our flight was also COMPLETELY FULL. And then because nobody wants to check a bag I had to check my carryon. Which meant that when I got to LAX, I was gonna have to go to baggage claim. Which, GAH. THIS IS WHY I HAVE A CARRYON, SO THAT I DON’T HAVE TO GO TO BAGGAGE CLAIM.

So I was already irritated because PEOPLE. And traveling. And just dealing with people traveling. I finally get my bag, collect The Man and start walking over to the elevator because we parked there. And then a couple of guys apparently took an issue with me walking in front of them and instead of just letting me mind my business said, “UH. EXCUSE YOU”, like we don’t all hate being at the airport with all of these people and everyone’s nerves aren’t already frayed because SHEESH.

And so instead of ignoring it like I may have normally, because who has time to acknowledge every dickish thing people say, I walk back over and say

I DON’T NEED TO BE EXCUSED. BECAUSE I DON’T NEED YOUR PERMISSION TO WALK HERE. SO…EXCUSE…*YOU*

I think people forget that just because I’m just randomly walking looking I guess, more or less unassuming I will not act a fool in public. But I most certainly will. And I bet you the next time they decide to snap on a random black girl minding her own damn business, they will think twice.

Because you really can’t be a sassy black girl better than a sassy black girl.

So my husband says I park like an asshole

Posted on by B

This weekend, my cousin and I went shoe shopping (and prom dress shopping and to lunch) at the mall.

One of the local-ish malls is kinda big. And always ridiculously crowded.

And OF COURSE, even when the mall is ridiculously crowded there is always *that asshole* who is taking up two parking spaces because fuck you, that’s why.

photo (5)

That blue car? Is me. Why am I parked SO FUCKING FAR to the left? Because originally that stupid red car was parked in both parking spots.

You know how you drive around in circles looking for ONE DAMN PARKING SPOT for what seems like all of your life, and then you get all excited because OMG! A PARKING SPACE!! Only to find that some asshole is hogging an extra space for no fucking reason at all?

I was tired of looking for a parking space, and it was almost noon and I hadn’t had breakfast and I had just passed the “I could eat” stage and was rapidly approaching the I’M STARVING point. I just said FUCK THIS SHIT, and I’m parking in this spot anyways, even if it meant I had to climb out of my trunk.

AND THEN.

I NOTICE THIS ASSHOLE WAS STILL IN THE CAR.

And so I sit there and wait for him to realize he won’t be able to get out because *THAT* is how close I parked to his door. Also, he was 100 years old, and probably woulda broke a hip trying to climb out the other side.

So he moved his car so that he was parked properly in his parking space and was able to get out on the driver’s side, while I laughed maniacally with my windows rolled down so he could hear me*.

And then I got out and spent the rest of the day shopping for shoes. And prom dresses. And matching clutches. And wishing that I’d had more booze for lunch. Because I wasn’t quite ready to see my babygirl looking quite so grown up in her prom dress.

 

*But what I didn’t do, was adjust MY parking situation. So I apologize to the white truck who probably got back to his car and was like WHY IN THE ALL OF THE FUCKS IS THIS PERSON PARKED SO GODDAMN CLOSE?

**The reason is because I actually had plenty of space to get out, so it didn’t occur to me to re-position my car.

***Also, I guess my husband is right. I *DO* park like an asshole. But sometimes it comes in handy!

 

 

 

Can we just talk about my hair for a minute…?

Posted on by B

I don’t care if Michelle Obama *IS* the first lady

She’s not the first lady to ever have bangs and Goddammit,

If people don’t stop saying “Oh, look at you and your Michelle Obama bangs”

I’m gonna punch somebody in the junk. Hard. TWICE.

 

EFF YOUR I…. I had bangs previously, and they were just bangs.

NOW, they are FLOTUS bangs, and no. They are not.

 

 

They’re just damn bangs, and I wish everybody would stop.

Because the next person that says that is going to get the whole

“OH, ARE YOU SAYING THAT BECAUSE WE ARE BOTH BLACK AND HAVE BANGS?”

And that’s going to be awkward. For them.

Because that will certainly be my intention.

 

Sidenote: I’m sure the FLOTUS is a nice lady, and yeah, her hair looks nice. But what if I HATED her? What if that was the equivalent of calling me a dirty rotten whore? (Don’t be that person that assumes that all black people must love Michelle Obama. I mean, I MIGHT like her, but I may also think she’s an asshole. It’s entirely possible, guys.)

But maybe consider that  it has NOTHING AT ALL to do with famous person currently associated with that hairstyle. My cousin (of the same name) ALSO has this hairstyle. Maybe that’s why I did it. OR MAYBE I JUST WANTED BANGS.

If you ask me really nice…

Posted on by B

I may say yes.

Part of my job is ordering supplies for our breakroom. It’s pretty fancy. It’s got everything you need in a breakroom, except food. You gotta bring your own food.

ANYWAYS, I got an email asking me to review some of the items that I ordered: Coffee, Sweetner…spoons. Really? You guys want me to give you a review on spoons?

Image

You’re welcome, guys.

Sidenote: It asked me to upload a picture, and I didn’t. I feel like I missed my opportunity to upload this picture (taken from deviantart – TigerofMyth)

Image

I feel like it screams, “I FUCKING LOVE SPOONS!”

Obligatory (vaguely) political post

Posted on by B

Also known as “e-mails I send to my friends”

I know I can’t be the only person watching the DNC? I also watched the RNC. With The Brat.

  1. I’m #nanaspotting
  2. She’s a LOT harder to find with all those colored folks. It’s like playing “Where’s Waldo?”
  3. It would be easier to find her if she had been at the RNC
    • Maybe. Because she’s pretty light.
    • But. My auntie is MY complexion, so she would’ve been that yellow lady sitting next to the ONE black lady.
    • Then again, she wouldn’t be caught dead at the RNC.
    • Side note: The Brat would like to have enough money that she would need to stockpile in a Swiss bank account.
    • How much money is that anyways?
  4. My mom will be there again tonight. Auntie will be wearing some sort of “Cat in the Hat” hat.
    • I don’t know what that means.
  5. @QueenofSpain will be there tonight.
    • I gave her my mom’s number to stalk her up.
    • I love my friends.
  6. Shame I’m gonna miss tonight because I’m going to be at FNO.
  7. HURRAY FOR FNO!
    • BOO for conflicting with politics & football (last night. But the Steelers weren’t playing so….)
    • I really hate having cowboy fans in my life. This win has made them unbearable already.
    • Also? HURRAY FOR DVR
  8. Is it Friday yet?

I’d apologize for sending it to my girl friend who is SUPER REPUBLICAN. Only, for what? We have differing views, I still love you. Also? I can never resist poking at people who take themselves that seriously. EVER. You’ve been warned.

 

Don’t forget to vote!

It’s Drawsome!

Posted on by B

I know. Corny. And yet still. I kinda love this game.

I have a tendency to wait on the newest “fun” game, because DAMMIT Y’ALL, I have WORK, and SCHOOL, and #TRAININGDAY, and you know…LIFE. I don’t need another time suck. I’ve got plenty.

But. One of my friends sent me the picture that her husband drew for Rihanna. And after I stopped laughing, I signed up. I’m playing a significant amount of games. And I’m laughing hysterically at renderings of words like Raekwon, and marriage, and VEGAS (*cough* Grace is a fantastical artist. For reals)

It has also taught me that my friends are at least as ridiculous as I am, and know me well. AND? That they approach problems from VERY different directions:

From @sistuhgurl

From @mom2jazz

 

Very much related: God, I love my friends.

 

 

 

Because I’m the most helpful person ever

Posted on by B

My cousin in 23 years old.

And she’s never been to Vegas. (I know. It’s hard to believe we’re related)

Actually, the funny thing is that of my younger cousins, she is the MOST LIKE ME. 

Anyways. She IMs me on Facebook. I know. A lot of my cousins IM me on Facebook. Which I find to be weird. But what are you gonna do? Family.

She tells me that she wants to go to Vegas for her birthday. In JANUARY. I think her exact words were ” Be there, or never be spoken to again…or something” So, uh…yeah. TWIST MY ARM, I’ll be there. And then I say, “Hey, me and your cousins will be there in April, B2V is coming. Blah blah blah…. they’ll be running/volunteering; I’ll be drinking on the sidelines… blah blah blah….And the weather is perfect…blah blah…. Ditch Fridays at the Palms”

And then after she grilled me about Ditch Fridays, she said that she was scrapping Vegas in January plans. 

Me: Well, you can always have a HALF birthday. JUST SAYING.

So in case you were ever wondering, I AM sorta helpful. Depending on what you want help with.

 

Yes, I really said that

Posted on by B

Every once in a while, I’ll tell my sister a story and her response is “Did you really say that?”  The answer has always been yes. I guess she asks because whatever I said seems like a completely ridiculous thing to say to another person.

But. I maintain that I live in some kind of bizarro world where people often say things to me that are completely out of order, but act like it is the most normal thing in the world to say to another person:

So Tuesday, I had to go run errands. I have a dress which I LOVE, but is ridiculously unflattering. It makes my boobs look HUGE (okay, yeah…I have huge boobs, but even bigger than normal) and its unflattering tummy-wise. Why did I go out in it? Because I don’t care. It’s comfy, and it was first thing I saw.

ANYWAYS, I ran into my sister-in-law. Who ended up needing a ride, so I dropped her at my FIL’s house. And her aunt was there.

An aunt, who, I would like to add, has known me for enough years to know that I am in NO WAY planning to have any other kids.

Aunt: Oh look at you. What is *THIS*?

And then you guys? SHE RUBS MY BELLY.

Okay. Now I’m going to interject to say TWO THINGS:

  1. Every woman should know NOT to assume another woman is pregnant.
  2. Just because you are older than I am (60ish to my 30ish), doesn’t NOT mean that I’m just going to stand there and let you insult me.

Me: Yeah, that’s fat. [And then I rubbed her belly RIGHT BACK.]

Just like that. Only smaller.

 

I actually think that was an appropriate response to that sort of question. I sort of feel like if you feel like it’s okay to say these kinds of things to me, I’m allowed to respond in kind. No?

Random

Posted on by B

So I have an iPhone. I wouldn’t say that I am guzzling the kool-aid, but taking cautious sips.

I don’t LOVE it. I loved my droid. But, we were having an issue that I just couldn’t resolve, so I decided to test the waters with an iPhone. I don’t hate it.

It’s taking some adjustment, let’s say.

Like for instance, this particular phone always wants to be on whatever local wireless connection that’s available. It’s kind of weird that I get these random pop-ups suggesting different wireless connections. Usually I just cancel it out, because OBVIOUSLY: No.

 But this one particular time it happened, I was sending a text to The Man and one network caught my eye. My assumption is that before this, his network must not have been password protected.

I’m not sure if the opportunity to see this is a PLUS or a MINUS for iPhone.