You know what really gets on my nerves? When I buy 5 bags of candy, and it’s gone in 3 days, AND THEN some asshole has the nerve to come over and complain because THERE’S NO MORE CANDY, even though said asshole probably at ate half of it, and doesn’t offer to contribute to the candy jar because CLEARLY the candy just magically appears from the candy fairy.

FUCK. YOU.

I bought a gumball machine.

It’s a bank.

Yup. You want a piece of candy? Drop in a coin. Don’t care what kind. Pennies, dimes, nickels. All are welcome. But what you AREN’T gonna do, is come over here, grab fistfuls of candy for free.

And of course, the first day I fill the gumball machine this happens:

MD (who does not WORK in my area, but comes over ALL THE DAMN TIME sniffing around the candy jar): Oh, you got a gumball machine … (tries to give it a turn WITHOUT putting in a coin)

Me: …

MD: I liked it better when there was chocolate.

Me: As long as I’m paying for the candy, I guess you’ll have to be satisfied with whatever I get. However, when the gumball machine is empty, I can totally use the money to buy chocolate.

MD: So I guess people were not contributing, huh?

Me: (turning around from my computer) WELL, my co-worker and I were basically supporting everyone’s candy habit, and that gets expensive. Especially since people who don’t work in this area were always coming over for candy. At least this way we’ll have something of a donation to use the next time one of us decides to do a candy run.

<<please picture a big cheesy smile here. Because I totally gave him one. It showed ALL OF MY TEETH>>

I would like to add that it is extremely difficult to embarrass a doctor over their expectations that ALL OF THEIR SHIT SHOULD BE FREE. They practically riot if they go to a meeting where this food isn’t being served. They have absolutely no shame complaining about a meeting where the coffee ran out like 1) they don’t make hundreds of thousands of dollars, 2) there aren’t 2 coffee shops on campus (not to mention the cafeteria and cafe that also serve coffee), AND 3) they weren’t 30 minutes late to this meeting, and that’s the REAL REASON there’s no more coffee. Because the people that showed up on time drank it all.

But apparently I did it. Because he turned bright red, and skulked out of the office with not one more word.

GOOD.