Real conversations I have at work

So I have this co-worker who is FOREVER coming up to me with the most off the wall things to say to me. I continuously smart ass him, because I want him to go away.

Only. He won’t.

So today….

CW: I’m nicer to you than you are to me.
Me: Well. I’m not nice.
CW: You’re not?
Me: Nope. I’m really sort of an a**hole.
CW: Do your friends think that?
Me: Yes.
CW: Are your friends also a**holes?
Me: YES.
CW:…..
Me: …..
CW: Well, you’re too cute to be an a**hole.
Me: NOT TRUE! I can be an a**hole because I’m cute.
CW: huh.
Me: *blinks*
CW: finally walks away.

Keep trying fella. I stay ready with smart remarks. #jerks2013

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Happy Monday!

You know how people don’t like to share the elevator?

SO. This broad tries to run for the elevator
And hit the button like she doesn’t see people headed for it..
AND she stands in the corner so she couldn’t reach the button to open the doors
(I’m also guessing she was hoping nobody saw her)
EVEN IF SHE HAD BEEN INCLINED TO.
Which she clearly wasn’t.

So I made a dash for the elevator
AND got on
AND THEN held the elevator for everybody else
(Which was only 3 more people)
AND THEN… I laughed at her when she got off with an attitude.

Sometimes the best way to improve my mood is to ruin somebody else’s. I know. People won’t usually admit to it. But I will. Because I’m a jerk.

If you ask me really nice…

I may say yes.

Part of my job is ordering supplies for our breakroom. It’s pretty fancy. It’s got everything you need in a breakroom, except food. You gotta bring your own food.

ANYWAYS, I got an email asking me to review some of the items that I ordered: Coffee, Sweetner…spoons. Really? You guys want me to give you a review on spoons?

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You’re welcome, guys.

Sidenote: It asked me to upload a picture, and I didn’t. I feel like I missed my opportunity to upload this picture (taken from deviantart – TigerofMyth)

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I feel like it screams, “I FUCKING LOVE SPOONS!”

Gumballs and free shite

You know what really gets on my nerves? When I buy 5 bags of candy, and it’s gone in 3 days, AND THEN some asshole has the nerve to come over and complain because THERE’S NO MORE CANDY, even though said asshole probably at ate half of it, and doesn’t offer to contribute to the candy jar because CLEARLY the candy just magically appears from the candy fairy.

FUCK. YOU.

I bought a gumball machine.

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It’s a bank.

Yup. You want a piece of candy? Drop in a coin. Don’t care what kind. Pennies, dimes, nickels. All are welcome. But what you AREN’T gonna do, is come over here, grab fistfuls of candy for free.

And of course, the first day I fill the gumball machine this happens:

MD (who does not WORK in my area, but comes over ALL THE DAMN TIME sniffing around the candy jar): Oh, you got a gumball machine … (tries to give it a turn WITHOUT putting in a coin)

Me: …

MD: I liked it better when there was chocolate.

Me: As long as I’m paying for the candy, I guess you’ll have to be satisfied with whatever I get. However, when the gumball machine is empty, I can totally use the money to buy chocolate.

MD: So I guess people were not contributing, huh?

Me: (turning around from my computer) WELL, my co-worker and I were basically supporting everyone’s candy habit, and that gets expensive. Especially since people who don’t work in this area were always coming over for candy. At least this way we’ll have something of a donation to use the next time one of us decides to do a candy run.

<<please picture a big cheesy smile here. Because I totally gave him one. It showed ALL OF MY TEETH>>

I would like to add that it is extremely difficult to embarrass a doctor over their expectations that ALL OF THEIR SHIT SHOULD BE FREE. They practically riot if they go to a meeting where this food isn’t being served. They have absolutely no shame complaining about a meeting where the coffee ran out like 1) they don’t make hundreds of thousands of dollars, 2) there aren’t 2 coffee shops on campus (not to mention the cafeteria and cafe that also serve coffee), AND 3) they weren’t 30 minutes late to this meeting, and that’s the REAL REASON there’s no more coffee. Because the people that showed up on time drank it all.

But apparently I did it. Because he turned bright red, and skulked out of the office with not one more word.

GOOD.