Real conversations I have at work

So I have this co-worker who is FOREVER coming up to me with the most off the wall things to say to me. I continuously smart ass him, because I want him to go away.

Only. He won’t.

So today….

CW: I’m nicer to you than you are to me.
Me: Well. I’m not nice.
CW: You’re not?
Me: Nope. I’m really sort of an a**hole.
CW: Do your friends think that?
Me: Yes.
CW: Are your friends also a**holes?
Me: YES.
CW:…..
Me: …..
CW: Well, you’re too cute to be an a**hole.
Me: NOT TRUE! I can be an a**hole because I’m cute.
CW: huh.
Me: *blinks*
CW: finally walks away.

Keep trying fella. I stay ready with smart remarks. #jerks2013

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I’m often not paying attention when people are talking to me…

Valet guy: Necesita cambio?
Me: Yep.
Valet guy: Cuanto?
Me: 14 bucks.

Valet guy: En espanol, por favor.
Me: …..?
Valet guy: you’re answering me. So say it in Spanish.
(I would like y’all to know that I didn’t realize he was speaking in Spanish)

Me: huh. Catorce.

And that’s how I got busted by the Valet guy.

(The only bonus is that I don’t have to listen to them talk about my ass like they were doing yesterday)
(FYI: apparently, it’s spectacular)

I didn’t know people didn’t know this

You know those single toilet bathroom deals? You know, not the ones with the stalls? I would like to go over the rules with you.

  1. You go into the bathroom.
  2. You lock the door.
  3. You do your business (WHATEVER that business is: putting on make up, turning your undies right side in because you got dressed in the dark and you’ve been walking around with your draws inside out, having naughty afternoon sex with a married doctor- I work in a hospital, guys. This is not as unlikely as you’d think)
  4. YOU WASH YOUR HANDS.
  5. You leave.
This sounds fairly accurate, right? I don’t think that I’m leaving out anything super important.
NOW. I would like to suggest that there are reciprocal rules for people WHO ARE WAITING to use the restroom when it is occupied:
  1. You knock/jiggle the handle.
  2. You see that it is locked.
  3. YOU WAIT.
Seem reasonable? And by reasonable, I mean that you wouldn’t see that it is locked, AND THEN UNLOCK THE DOOR?
Because THEN you might completely rip the cleaning guy a new one in the hallway in front of the nurse manager’s office because WERE YOU RAISED BY WILD ANIMALS BECAUSE WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT?! IT IS STANDARD PROTOCOL TO FUCKING KNOCK ON A LOCKED DOOR IN A PUBLIC PLACE OR AT LEAST LET A MOTHERFUCKER KNOW YOU’RE UNLOCKING THE DOOR BEFORE YOU CHARGE IN, AND YOU ARE GODDAMN LUCKY I WAS JUST TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE HELL WAS STABBING ME IN MY EYE AND NOT DOING SOMETHING WHERE MY PANTIES WERE AROUND MY ANKLES OR I WOULD HAVE TOTALLY GOTTEN FIRED FOR VIOLENCE IN THE WORKPLACE BECAUSE O.M.G.
*ahem*
I’m just asking. For a friend.

If we’re keeping score

I went over to my Dad’s house this weekend. The Brat spent the weekend, while I went to visit The Boy in NorCal.

When I get there my stepmother asks me if The Man wants this:

My guess is all those pointy things are called NEEDLES for a reason

Which. He does. I didn’t even have to ask him. Which is fine, since, he wasn’t there.

As you can see, it’s huge #thatswhatshesaid

And it takes us some time to figure out how the hell we’re going to get it in my carrito. We decide to roll it to my car. Which, easy enough. HOW TO GET IN INSIDE MY CAR was another matter. We decide that we’re going to wrap it in some rags and I’ll sort of help her pick it up and put in in the backseat. We finally wrestled it into the backseat and then I drove home (but not before stopping my my cousin’s house to pick up me and The Brat’s souvenirs from her trip to Hawai’i).

F YOUR I:

  1. If you’re going to rest a huge ceramic pot that contains a cactus on your legs before boosting it all the way into your car, you should make sure that the part you lean on your bare leg is the pot. NOT THE CACTUS.
  2. Cacti have sharp parts.
  3. If I call you and tell you that I have something that’s heavy, that I’m going to need you to get out of my car when I get home, YOU SHOULD FIND OUT WHAT IT IS. ESPECIALLY if it’s covered in rags.
  4. Otherwise, you may find out the hard way that I have a MOTHERFUCKING CACTUS hidden under a pile of rags in my backseat.
  5. See #2.
  6. I laugh inappropriately at everything.
Cactus- 3*
Actual living, breathing, THINKING humans – 0
*Yeah, you didn’t think the stepmother got away unscathed did you?