Monthly Archives: May 2013

Real conversations I have at work

Posted on by B

So I have this co-worker who is FOREVER coming up to me with the most off the wall things to say to me. I continuously smart ass him, because I want him to go away.

Only. He won’t.

So today….

CW: I’m nicer to you than you are to me.
Me: Well. I’m not nice.
CW: You’re not?
Me: Nope. I’m really sort of an a**hole.
CW: Do your friends think that?
Me: Yes.
CW: Are your friends also a**holes?
Me: YES.
CW:…..
Me: …..
CW: Well, you’re too cute to be an a**hole.
Me: NOT TRUE! I can be an a**hole because I’m cute.
CW: huh.
Me: *blinks*
CW: finally walks away.

Keep trying fella. I stay ready with smart remarks. #jerks2013

So my husband says I park like an asshole

Posted on by B

This weekend, my cousin and I went shoe shopping (and prom dress shopping and to lunch) at the mall.

One of the local-ish malls is kinda big. And always ridiculously crowded.

And OF COURSE, even when the mall is ridiculously crowded there is always *that asshole* who is taking up two parking spaces because fuck you, that’s why.

photo (5)

That blue car? Is me. Why am I parked SO FUCKING FAR to the left? Because originally that stupid red car was parked in both parking spots.

You know how you drive around in circles looking for ONE DAMN PARKING SPOT for what seems like all of your life, and then you get all excited because OMG! A PARKING SPACE!! Only to find that some asshole is hogging an extra space for no fucking reason at all?

I was tired of looking for a parking space, and it was almost noon and I hadn’t had breakfast and I had just passed the “I could eat” stage and was rapidly approaching the I’M STARVING point. I just said FUCK THIS SHIT, and I’m parking in this spot anyways, even if it meant I had to climb out of my trunk.

AND THEN.

I NOTICE THIS ASSHOLE WAS STILL IN THE CAR.

And so I sit there and wait for him to realize he won’t be able to get out because *THAT* is how close I parked to his door. Also, he was 100 years old, and probably woulda broke a hip trying to climb out the other side.

So he moved his car so that he was parked properly in his parking space and was able to get out on the driver’s side, while I laughed maniacally with my windows rolled down so he could hear me*.

And then I got out and spent the rest of the day shopping for shoes. And prom dresses. And matching clutches. And wishing that I’d had more booze for lunch. Because I wasn’t quite ready to see my babygirl looking quite so grown up in her prom dress.

 

*But what I didn’t do, was adjust MY parking situation. So I apologize to the white truck who probably got back to his car and was like WHY IN THE ALL OF THE FUCKS IS THIS PERSON PARKED SO GODDAMN CLOSE?

**The reason is because I actually had plenty of space to get out, so it didn’t occur to me to re-position my car.

***Also, I guess my husband is right. I *DO* park like an asshole. But sometimes it comes in handy!