Author Archives: B

Real conversations I have at work

Posted on by B

So I have this co-worker who is FOREVER coming up to me with the most off the wall things to say to me. I continuously smart ass him, because I want him to go away.

Only. He won’t.

So today….

CW: I’m nicer to you than you are to me.
Me: Well. I’m not nice.
CW: You’re not?
Me: Nope. I’m really sort of an a**hole.
CW: Do your friends think that?
Me: Yes.
CW: Are your friends also a**holes?
Me: YES.
CW:…..
Me: …..
CW: Well, you’re too cute to be an a**hole.
Me: NOT TRUE! I can be an a**hole because I’m cute.
CW: huh.
Me: *blinks*
CW: finally walks away.

Keep trying fella. I stay ready with smart remarks. #jerks2013

So my husband says I park like an asshole

Posted on by B

This weekend, my cousin and I went shoe shopping (and prom dress shopping and to lunch) at the mall.

One of the local-ish malls is kinda big. And always ridiculously crowded.

And OF COURSE, even when the mall is ridiculously crowded there is always *that asshole* who is taking up two parking spaces because fuck you, that’s why.

photo (5)

That blue car? Is me. Why am I parked SO FUCKING FAR to the left? Because originally that stupid red car was parked in both parking spots.

You know how you drive around in circles looking for ONE DAMN PARKING SPOT for what seems like all of your life, and then you get all excited because OMG! A PARKING SPACE!! Only to find that some asshole is hogging an extra space for no fucking reason at all?

I was tired of looking for a parking space, and it was almost noon and I hadn’t had breakfast and I had just passed the “I could eat” stage and was rapidly approaching the I’M STARVING point. I just said FUCK THIS SHIT, and I’m parking in this spot anyways, even if it meant I had to climb out of my trunk.

AND THEN.

I NOTICE THIS ASSHOLE WAS STILL IN THE CAR.

And so I sit there and wait for him to realize he won’t be able to get out because *THAT* is how close I parked to his door. Also, he was 100 years old, and probably woulda broke a hip trying to climb out the other side.

So he moved his car so that he was parked properly in his parking space and was able to get out on the driver’s side, while I laughed maniacally with my windows rolled down so he could hear me*.

And then I got out and spent the rest of the day shopping for shoes. And prom dresses. And matching clutches. And wishing that I’d had more booze for lunch. Because I wasn’t quite ready to see my babygirl looking quite so grown up in her prom dress.

 

*But what I didn’t do, was adjust MY parking situation. So I apologize to the white truck who probably got back to his car and was like WHY IN THE ALL OF THE FUCKS IS THIS PERSON PARKED SO GODDAMN CLOSE?

**The reason is because I actually had plenty of space to get out, so it didn’t occur to me to re-position my car.

***Also, I guess my husband is right. I *DO* park like an asshole. But sometimes it comes in handy!

 

 

 

I’m often not paying attention when people are talking to me…

Posted on by B

Valet guy: Necesita cambio?
Me: Yep.
Valet guy: Cuanto?
Me: 14 bucks.

Valet guy: En espanol, por favor.
Me: …..?
Valet guy: you’re answering me. So say it in Spanish.
(I would like y’all to know that I didn’t realize he was speaking in Spanish)

Me: huh. Catorce.

And that’s how I got busted by the Valet guy.

(The only bonus is that I don’t have to listen to them talk about my ass like they were doing yesterday)
(FYI: apparently, it’s spectacular)

Happy Monday!

Posted on by B

You know how people don’t like to share the elevator?

SO. This broad tries to run for the elevator
And hit the button like she doesn’t see people headed for it..
AND she stands in the corner so she couldn’t reach the button to open the doors
(I’m also guessing she was hoping nobody saw her)
EVEN IF SHE HAD BEEN INCLINED TO.
Which she clearly wasn’t.

So I made a dash for the elevator
AND got on
AND THEN held the elevator for everybody else
(Which was only 3 more people)
AND THEN… I laughed at her when she got off with an attitude.

Sometimes the best way to improve my mood is to ruin somebody else’s. I know. People won’t usually admit to it. But I will. Because I’m a jerk.

Can we just talk about my hair for a minute…?

Posted on by B

I don’t care if Michelle Obama *IS* the first lady

She’s not the first lady to ever have bangs and Goddammit,

If people don’t stop saying “Oh, look at you and your Michelle Obama bangs”

I’m gonna punch somebody in the junk. Hard. TWICE.

 

EFF YOUR I…. I had bangs previously, and they were just bangs.

NOW, they are FLOTUS bangs, and no. They are not.

 

 

They’re just damn bangs, and I wish everybody would stop.

Because the next person that says that is going to get the whole

“OH, ARE YOU SAYING THAT BECAUSE WE ARE BOTH BLACK AND HAVE BANGS?”

And that’s going to be awkward. For them.

Because that will certainly be my intention.

 

Sidenote: I’m sure the FLOTUS is a nice lady, and yeah, her hair looks nice. But what if I HATED her? What if that was the equivalent of calling me a dirty rotten whore? (Don’t be that person that assumes that all black people must love Michelle Obama. I mean, I MIGHT like her, but I may also think she’s an asshole. It’s entirely possible, guys.)

But maybe consider that  it has NOTHING AT ALL to do with famous person currently associated with that hairstyle. My cousin (of the same name) ALSO has this hairstyle. Maybe that’s why I did it. OR MAYBE I JUST WANTED BANGS.

My weekend in Pictures

Posted on by B

 

I ran THIS this weekend with Aaron. Because I talked him into it. And apparently, I don’t have any sense.

I would like y’all to know that there were Trojan fans manning the red and yellow powder. And they strategically made sure I was crimson and gold from head to toe. At least until I got to the green. I also took blue powder right to the face. Sidenote: I’m pretty sure they were getting a kick out of those face shots.

Still though. I had a good time.

Even though it was the rockiest trail in the history of rocky trails.

And my uterus was trying to fall out.

And I was maybe not quite HUNG OVER, BUT. Some asshole let me come to her house and hang out until almost midnight, while drinking up her Jamesons.

Let’s just call it TIRED.

I also hugged Erin, after our dash because I totally forgot she was being interviewed for a magazine. Luckily she loves me. And Aaron had already hugged her on the other side, so at least this way she was even. No?

ANYWAYS, fun times had by all. I definitely give this weekend two thumbs WAY up.

If you ask me really nice…

Posted on by B

I may say yes.

Part of my job is ordering supplies for our breakroom. It’s pretty fancy. It’s got everything you need in a breakroom, except food. You gotta bring your own food.

ANYWAYS, I got an email asking me to review some of the items that I ordered: Coffee, Sweetner…spoons. Really? You guys want me to give you a review on spoons?

Image

You’re welcome, guys.

Sidenote: It asked me to upload a picture, and I didn’t. I feel like I missed my opportunity to upload this picture (taken from deviantart – TigerofMyth)

Image

I feel like it screams, “I FUCKING LOVE SPOONS!”

Obligatory (vaguely) political post

Posted on by B

Also known as “e-mails I send to my friends”

I know I can’t be the only person watching the DNC? I also watched the RNC. With The Brat.

  1. I’m #nanaspotting
  2. She’s a LOT harder to find with all those colored folks. It’s like playing “Where’s Waldo?”
  3. It would be easier to find her if she had been at the RNC
    • Maybe. Because she’s pretty light.
    • But. My auntie is MY complexion, so she would’ve been that yellow lady sitting next to the ONE black lady.
    • Then again, she wouldn’t be caught dead at the RNC.
    • Side note: The Brat would like to have enough money that she would need to stockpile in a Swiss bank account.
    • How much money is that anyways?
  4. My mom will be there again tonight. Auntie will be wearing some sort of “Cat in the Hat” hat.
    • I don’t know what that means.
  5. @QueenofSpain will be there tonight.
    • I gave her my mom’s number to stalk her up.
    • I love my friends.
  6. Shame I’m gonna miss tonight because I’m going to be at FNO.
  7. HURRAY FOR FNO!
    • BOO for conflicting with politics & football (last night. But the Steelers weren’t playing so….)
    • I really hate having cowboy fans in my life. This win has made them unbearable already.
    • Also? HURRAY FOR DVR
  8. Is it Friday yet?

I’d apologize for sending it to my girl friend who is SUPER REPUBLICAN. Only, for what? We have differing views, I still love you. Also? I can never resist poking at people who take themselves that seriously. EVER. You’ve been warned.

 

Don’t forget to vote!

I went to the movies!

Posted on by B

Last night I went to see the Dark Knight Rises. 

I’m not going to spoil it for anyone. Except to say: I loved it. It was awesome; you should see it. AND it was brought to my attention that a better film choice for us women to see is Magic Mike. To which I say, what a load of bullshit. We DEFINITELY made the better choice.

ANYWAYS. A trailer for Man of Steel showed. I HAD NO IDEA THERE WAS A NEW SUPERMAN MOVING COMING OUT. *ahem* And then the guy behind me starts complaining.

“OMG. ANOTHER REMAKE. HOW MANY REMAKES CAN THEY MAKE OF ONE COMIC BOOK HERO?  THEY JUST KEEP MAKING REMAKE, AFTER REMAKE, AFTER REMAKE.”

Me: Are you serious, dude? We’re sitting in sold out theatre getting ready to watch BATMAN*. 

 

I’m pretty sure the irony was lost on him.

 

*Yes, I am a delight to take out in public.

Everyone mentions how drunk they got when they write complaints, right?

Posted on by B

I am frequently enlisted to write letters for people because I love to say “FUCK YOU” in the most professional way possible. But I hate writing letters of complaint. I don’t know why, because obviously they are the people who need it most. But after talking to my Mom about my horrible flight from Vegas, she told me to write a letter. And because my mommy knows best, I did:

Dear Southwest,

I’m not really sure what say, except that I’m fairly unhappy that it seems as though my last few flights with you guys have ended up with me waiting in the airport for hours while the people that I’m meeting up with at the destination are waiting on me.

 My flight was about an hour delayed GETTING to Vegas  and two hours leaving Las Vegas. And I’m not going to lie to you: After lying by the pool drinking for an entire weekend, I was MORE than ready to go home. I was tired, a little bit hungover and the very last thing I wanted to do was spend several hours hanging around the airport. WHICH, by the way was super crowded because, OBVIOUSLY.

 Anyways, I know that y’all are reasonably priced — which is sort of the point when you plan on leaving all of your hard earned dollars in Vegas, and I really had to think long and hard about booking this flight due to your track record for previous flights. I’m not generally a complainer, but, I just feel like you guys should know:

 It’s driving me crazy that you guys are super convenient as far and dates/times I want to go somewhere, but I can’t trust you to get me there when you say because YOU ARE ALWAYS BEING DELAYED. I wasn’t even the only flight being delayed while I was in the terminal. I heard an audible groan from another one of your flights that had ALSO been delayed. AGAIN.

 Please. Let me love you. Don’t make me find another airline. I don’t want to. But I will, if these keeps happening.

–Me.

I know my mom is SUPER PROUD she gave me that advice.