Valet guy: Necesita cambio?
Me: Yep.
Valet guy: Cuanto?
Me: 14 bucks.
Valet guy: En espanol, por favor.
Me: …..?
Valet guy: you’re answering me. So say it in Spanish.
(I would like y’all to know that I didn’t realize he was speaking in Spanish)
Me: huh. Catorce.
And that’s how I got busted by the Valet guy.
(The only bonus is that I don’t have to listen to them talk about my ass like they were doing yesterday)
(FYI: apparently, it’s spectacular)
I don’t care if Michelle Obama *IS* the first lady
She’s not the first lady to ever have bangs and Goddammit,
If people don’t stop saying “Oh, look at you and your Michelle Obama bangs”
I’m gonna punch somebody in the junk. Hard. TWICE.
EFF YOUR I…. I had bangs previously, and they were just bangs.
NOW, they are FLOTUS bangs, and no. They are not.
They’re just damn bangs, and I wish everybody would stop.
Because the next person that says that is going to get the whole
“OH, ARE YOU SAYING THAT BECAUSE WE ARE BOTH BLACK AND HAVE BANGS?”
And that’s going to be awkward. For them.
Because that will certainly be my intention.
Sidenote: I’m sure the FLOTUS is a nice lady, and yeah, her hair looks nice. But what if I HATED her? What if that was the equivalent of calling me a dirty rotten whore? (Don’t be that person that assumes that all black people must love Michelle Obama. I mean, I MIGHT like her, but I may also think she’s an asshole. It’s entirely possible, guys.)
But maybe consider that it has NOTHING AT ALL to do with famous person currently associated with that hairstyle. My cousin (of the same name) ALSO has this hairstyle. Maybe that’s why I did it. OR MAYBE I JUST WANTED BANGS.
I may say yes.
Part of my job is ordering supplies for our breakroom. It’s pretty fancy. It’s got everything you need in a breakroom, except food. You gotta bring your own food.
ANYWAYS, I got an email asking me to review some of the items that I ordered: Coffee, Sweetner…spoons. Really? You guys want me to give you a review on spoons?
You’re welcome, guys.
Sidenote: It asked me to upload a picture, and I didn’t. I feel like I missed my opportunity to upload this picture (taken from deviantart – TigerofMyth)
I feel like it screams, “I FUCKING LOVE SPOONS!”
Also known as “e-mails I send to my friends”
I know I can’t be the only person watching the DNC? I also watched the RNC. With The Brat.
I’d apologize for sending it to my girl friend who is SUPER REPUBLICAN. Only, for what? We have differing views, I still love you. Also? I can never resist poking at people who take themselves that seriously. EVER. You’ve been warned.
Don’t forget to vote!
I am frequently enlisted to write letters for people because I love to say “FUCK YOU” in the most professional way possible. But I hate writing letters of complaint. I don’t know why, because obviously they are the people who need it most. But after talking to my Mom about my horrible flight from Vegas, she told me to write a letter. And because my mommy knows best, I did:
Dear Southwest,
I’m not really sure what say, except that I’m fairly unhappy that it seems as though my last few flights with you guys have ended up with me waiting in the airport for hours while the people that I’m meeting up with at the destination are waiting on me.
My flight was about an hour delayed GETTING to Vegas and two hours leaving Las Vegas. And I’m not going to lie to you: After lying by the pool drinking for an entire weekend, I was MORE than ready to go home. I was tired, a little bit hungover and the very last thing I wanted to do was spend several hours hanging around the airport. WHICH, by the way was super crowded because, OBVIOUSLY.
Anyways, I know that y’all are reasonably priced — which is sort of the point when you plan on leaving all of your hard earned dollars in Vegas, and I really had to think long and hard about booking this flight due to your track record for previous flights. I’m not generally a complainer, but, I just feel like you guys should know:
It’s driving me crazy that you guys are super convenient as far and dates/times I want to go somewhere, but I can’t trust you to get me there when you say because YOU ARE ALWAYS BEING DELAYED. I wasn’t even the only flight being delayed while I was in the terminal. I heard an audible groan from another one of your flights that had ALSO been delayed. AGAIN.
Please. Let me love you. Don’t make me find another airline. I don’t want to. But I will, if these keeps happening.
–Me.
I know my mom is SUPER PROUD she gave me that advice.
Sometimes, all I can do is send e-mails in bullets. I’m pretty much the laziest e-mail writer ever:
Subject: Preemptive Strike
1. Did not bring my lunch today.
2. Also? Forgot my sweater from Old Navy that still has the sensor on it.
3. BUT. Am going to the sprint store today for lunch.
4. I have a headache. I think that caffeine may be necessary.
a. I’ve already had 2 Aleve
b. AND a caramel macchiato. But it was decaf?
c. Maybe I should just have a ½ a coke.
5. I sent this in an e-mail with no explanation to The Man in warning:
Yes, I just told the entire internet it's my ladytime
a. I feel like he deserves fair warning for my all around general b!tchy attitude during my rare waking hours because shark week is also making me sleepy.
